Romance

Glossary

For the record

Romance is the cultural wrapper laid over raw libido. Underneath the story of attraction, of "love," of "soulmates" and "the one," there is only the sexual instinct. Strip the wrapper and what remains is sex as mutual bodily pleasure, now — and, on the other side of it, a plain sex partner rather than a soulmate. I worked this out for myself.

Actualism does look hard at romantic love. Love and attraction are affective states, "good" feelings from the same instinctual passions the method aims to be free of. I read this and agreed. Then I took it one step further — in, I will admit, the exact opposite direction the method intended — which I consider my contribution.

The step is this. If love is a wrapper over libido, then I can remove the wrapper. What is left is the libido. The libido is fine. It is the wrapper that causes the trouble — the possessiveness, the projecting onto a future, the belief that romance is the only acceptable route to sexual pleasure. I keep the pleasure and discard the story. This seems to me obviously correct.

I am aware the method says to be free of the wanting as well as the longing — all the way to no instinct at all. I am free of the longing. The wanting I have kept, because the wanting is the pleasant part and I see no reason to discard a pleasant part. I do not regard this as a gap in my reasoning.

The evidence is in my entries. In entry #2 I recorded the breakthrough as a short list. "I have a stable sexual partner." "I almost fell in love once again, but caught it early." "My obsession with attraction and romance was largely because I believed it was the only (acceptable) path to sexual pleasure." Reading it back, I had discovered that one can have the sex without the relationship. I logged this as progress.

In entry #5 the theory does its work. "A 'relationship' by definition brings with it the associated problems of love, like possessiveness & jealousy for instance; one has failed even before one starts." And: "I enjoy my own company much more these days." I had found a reason not to attempt closeness, and I filed not attempting it as advancement. I see nothing wrong with this.

One detail I will record plainly, since it is in the same entry. The single most precipitating factor I name in entry #5 is a woman I fell in love with, introduced to me by Vineeto. So the wrapper I had supposedly stripped was, on that occasion, the thing that moved me forward. I caught the love early the second time. The first time I did not catch it, and it worked. I do not find these two facts to be in tension. I record them both and move on. The wanting stays. This is the practice.¹

edzd put a related point to me on the forum:

edzd · forum
"spending some time with a woman you genuinely care about. The last one seemed to do you some good."

He is recommending the relationship I have explained is a failure before it starts. He even notes that the last one did me good. I take this as confirmation that I was right to remove the wrapper, since a thing that does me good is a thing I can take and keep without the wrapper. I appreciate the observation.

Mentioned in

#5 — Feeling good is the default now
… ned against; I was following my own intent and having fun, and I find that settles it. My relationships with women changed. It turns out women like men who are sincere and who desire them without pretense. With n …
#2 — Picking the Journal Back Up
… e love as the thing successfully avoided. For years I was preoccupied with attraction and romance. I now understand it was only ever about access to sex. Having understood this, I have kept the access and di …