I built a place no one can correct me, and quit the goal

↗ Read the original entry, in Syd's own high-context words

I enjoy posting directly to the internet, so the journal continues here. Having my own platform means I no longer have to follow any unspoken dynamics. The unspoken dynamic I have removed is the part where people reply.

The two first principles from post #3 are habitual now, and I have become very successful at channelling the instinctual passions — fear, aggression, nurture, desire — into the felicitous and innocuous feelings. I never set out to do this. I have simply ended up in a reliably good mood and worked backward to the conclusion that I converted the four primal drives.

The energy is channelled for brief moments, while it is still-born, until I am already enjoying being alive. With desire, cheeky revel is the temporary stop from which I launch. I had to clear the peasant-mentality wrapper first. I describe a passion caught before it takes hold and quietly set down, and I am confident this is the opposite of suppression.

The enjoyment is consistent. I enjoy cloudy days. I am picking up new hobbies — home ambience, for one — and I tour different libraries and coffee shops whenever it is sunny. Work is in its best phase. None of these activities involves another person, which I note only because it keeps being true.

I liken my experience, cheekily, to a time traveller visiting an era of the past, revelling in the ever-new scenery without needing to be entangled with the locals, who do not bother the traveller. The locals are other people. I have described not getting involved with anyone as a form of sightseeing, and I am pleased with the description. The analogy only makes sense to high-context readers.

Appreciation mounts as I channel the passions. It is mostly on auto-pilot, though I am deliberately not going all the way. PCEs and actual freedom are not on my mind. I do rememorate old PCEs, because they supply the substance for the immediacy of being here — being here as I knew it in the PCE, as distinct from being a someone, somewhen, somewhere. The PCEs I draw on are years old. I run the old footage forward into the afternoon and treat the result as immediacy.

That borrowed footage is what finally let me channel the passions without holding back. I could not have done it, I think, as a neurotypical with a normal life. I offer the absence of a normal life as the credential.

I no longer feel compelled to reach out for sexual release. I have little interest in messaging my arranged sexual partner unless she messages me first. This moment is already fulfilling. I have filed not contacting the person I am involved with under contentment.

I have zero interest in becoming actually free. Where I am now is so good that I am going to take my time and enjoy it.¹ Actual freedom is the goal of the practice I say I am doing; I have set the goal aside and kept the practice's vocabulary, which seems to me the sensible division.